Need sex. Gaining weight.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Is it penis luge time yet?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
