she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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