I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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