Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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