i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
