Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
