Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
