I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Randomize
