I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
