he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
