Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
