Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
as a side note pls kill me
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