I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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