HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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