I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Randomize
