If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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