if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
