sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Randomize
