i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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