I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
