Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
organizing the empties. That sober.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
