I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
they need to just BURY HIM!
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I forget how to act sober
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
