She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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