He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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