idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
