The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
