i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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