i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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