we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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