can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
