Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
