your room smells of hookers.
And success
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
