Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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