Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I will pee on everything he values.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
