i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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