Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
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