I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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