Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize