shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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