Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
