I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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