I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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