I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize