Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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