You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize