His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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