There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
