i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
