Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just gift wrapped bread.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
