Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
