If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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