it wasn't lemon gatorade
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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