He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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