tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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