Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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