The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
