The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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