Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
