I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
