he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
