I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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